How to Stop People Pleasing

I speak with clients regularly about the pattern of people pleasing. It is one of the most common patterns I encounter in my role as a therapist. Why is this a problem? When we put other people first, we ignore our true desires and deprioritize ourselves in relationships. We put value on other people’s wellbeing at the expense of our own. We neglect to ask directly for what we want from others. And finally, we overvalue other people’s approval of our being.

The problems this pattern can lead to are vast. Anxiety, depression, and substance abuse can result, to name a few. People generally feel unfulfilled and inauthentic in relationships when they approach interactions with such an emphasis on other people’s wellbeing and approval.

But perhaps most importantly, they feel resentful. This resentment results from the unspoken agreement that underlies the pattern of people pleasing: “If I put you first and make sure to not say anything that makes you uncomfortable, you will _____.” Because the agreement is unspoken, it usually doesn’t work out the way we want. We just assume the other person will go along with the agreement, while they are completely in the dark about it.

So how do we break this pattern? Awareness is the first step. The next time you find yourself disappointed by the behavior of someone close to you, ask yourself if you were buying into an agreement that the other person didn’t know about. You may be surprised how often this pattern is at play.

If you would like to explore a people pleasing pattern in more depth, please reach out. I have openings for psychotherapy and coaching clients. You can reach me here: www.matthewtansey.com/contact